Unicornoodles For Sale

This immortal CL ad lampoons everything we love about dog AND horse breeding!

Unicornoodles for sale...

I have one of the rarest mixes around. These are NON sheeding Unicorns, and keep their horns all year round. They have wonderful coats and are hypo-allergenic.

Champion lines and european bloodlines (One of the unicorn's grandpappy's actually won something one time or something like that when yugoslavia was a country)
Designer Breed - so they gotta be healthy right?
I'll be charging $3500 because I want them to go to good homes only.
These are the smartest and brightest around. You won't find anything smarter!!!
These are CKC registered (since the CKC will register anything with four legs)
Raised with kids, cats, imps and fairys.
Grandmother owned by Paris Hilton's cousin's ugly step-sister.

They are GUARANTEED to keep your tweens and teens virginal until their prince arrives. Don't waste your money on the countless badly bred purebreds, and mix breeds... instead waste your money on a unicornoodle and be the envy of the universe.

In less fun news, it sounds as though the Obama family is leaning ever further in the Portuguese Water Dog direction, and I'm not the only one with some consternation. Hmmm.

Sorry for my absence of late, all! I've been working on another project that's eaten up some time. But no worries. I'm still here and cynical. :)

10 Strangest Mutts

Longtime reader Ala sent me this adorably funny article: 10 Strangest Mutts (part 2). Hands up, who totally wants to snuggle that second pooch! Mohawks are totally going on my list of features I love in a dog, right up there with beards and shaved butts, y'all. :) What a great way to promote the mutts they have up for adoption.

Now hands up, those who find the last dog on the list to be the freakiest-looking muttpuppy they've ever seen!

Everybody Wants a Pug

But nobody wants to take care of one...

Because Doodle Is So 2008

I hope everybody had a lovely weekend. The Angry Pig's mystery ailments continue to puzzle me, and you wouldn't believe how much time has been taken up by monitoring and examining and researching and double-checking that research and scrambling to confer with any vet within reach. And, mostly, worrying. But I can breathe a little easier; I don't think she's dying. (And I'm not sure this is even possible anyway since the AP was probably never alive to begin with, being that she's more likely the manifestation of a violent malevolent spirit taking the form of a two-pound rodent in order to throw everybody off its trail until it's amassed all the knowledge it needs to mount a full-scale attack.)

So the Shorkie post is in the works, but I'm afraid all I've got today is this hilarious list Shoshannah posted in the comments:

New Dog Cross Breeds
-- Have you heard about the new dog cross-breeds?

They crossed a Collie and a Lhasa Apso. The new breed is a Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.

They crossed a Spitz and a Chow-Chow. The new breed is a Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.

They crossed a Pekingese and a Lhasa Apso. The new breed is Peekasso, an abstract dog.

They crossed a Labrador Retriever and a Curly Coated Retriever. The new breed is a Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of laboratory researchers.

They crossed a Pointer and a Setter. The new breed is a Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.

They crossed a Irish Water Spaniel and a English Springer Spaniel. The new breed is a Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean.

They crossed a Newfoundland and a Basset Hound. The new breed is a Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.

They crossed a Bloodhound and a Labrador. The new breed is a Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.

They crossed a Malamute and a Pointer. The new breed is a Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't really matter.

They crossed a Collie and a Malamute. The new breed is a Commute, a dog that travels to work.

They crossed a Deerhound and a Terrier. The new breed is a Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.

They crossed a Bull Terrier and a ShihTzu. The new breed is a uhh, I'll get back to you on that...

If you're feeling creative, see if you can come up with your own. How about an Anatolian Shepherd and a Dalmation ... an Anamation, the breed that loves Saturday morning cartoons.

A Great Dane and a Scottish terrier would be a Great Scott!

A Jindo/Lowland sheepdog? Let's call it J-Lo (you could name the dog Jenny From The Block).

And for kicks, a Yorkshire terrier/Labradoodle/Dandie Dinmont Terrier ... a Yorkie Doodle Dandie, why not!

SAVE THE SEA KITTENS

In Other News!

The other day I heard my dog who is roughly as smart as a deck chair crunching busily on something. When I arrived at the scene, he spat out what looked like a partly-hollowed-out black claw. I checked all his feet, yet every claw was present and accounted for.

This is a medical mystery. I am stumped. I think he ate another dog, but his lawyer denies all allegations.

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It's one month from Valentine's Day, my friends! (Unless you're like me and the most prominent male figure in your life is your dumb dog, in which case it's almost Singles Awareness Day, booo.) I want to take the opportunity to remind everyone that giving puppies as gifts is a BAD idea. No. Bad. Don't do it. If you're a guy, just tell her you respect her ability to make decisions independently of you enough that you want her to pick out her own dog, if she even wants one. That's like two gifts at once. Then tell her to get back in the kitchen.

I also want to say that if any males out there would like to give me a Panda Dog for V-Day, that would be okay.

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PETA's new campaign is to change the name of fish to "sea kittens". I can't make this stuff up! Go to the website secure in the knowledge that this will never ever happen and I can guarantee you'll be giggling for days. They want to make fish sound cute enough that we won't want to eat them, but they are overlooking one fact that seems very vital to their campaign. Fish are not cute, ever.

Have you seen a fish lately PETA??

I can see another flaw in that I, personally, would delight in the opportunity to tell people that I eat kittens.

They have a bunch of facts ready that are supposed to endear sea kittens to us, like, "A University of Edinburgh study found that sea kittens can retain information that they learned up to 11 months earlier, which makes them cuter and smarter than the president of the United States!" Oh no you di'n't PETA! "Like their surface-dwelling cousins, the land kittens, sea kittens enjoy being petted. Their lack of arms makes it difficult for them to pet back, but they often gently rub against each other as a sign of affection." And I know they are lying about this one because when I was six and tried to pet my goldfish it shat itself and hid in its castle. You are not selling me on sea kittens, PETA.

The sea kitten stories need no commentary, they speak pretty loudly for themselves.

PETA I love you. You brighten my chilly winter days. But seriously, look at a fish. I think even you will agree that ocean sunfish need to die. And then? we need to perform a Latin ritual to ensure that they never come back.

Ever.

Fugpuppies

This should be the posterchild of MoT.

It's a boxer/Basset hound mix, dug up by our resident American in Copenhagen. Altogether now, let's just put our heads between our knees and be grateful the image doesn't get any bigger than that.

I have a mission, should you choose to accept it. Next time you've got a spare minute, hustle over to Google and dig up the weirdest, most random mix you can possibly find. I can kick things off with Samson here, a Great Dane/Newfoundland so out of proportion there are virtually no words.

And if you ever wondered what a Dalmatian/Shar-pei would look like, well...

For once I can't say what was in my head was worse than what it actually is. (It's a Sharmatian!)

And let's not forget PANDA DOG.

(I'm sorry! I just can't stop looking at it!!)

Well? Get cracking! Shock me. ;)

Muttpuppies in Disguise

"..." I hear you say.

I know what you're thinking.

If it's not an endless screech of "EEEEEEE", then, like me, you're thinking, Oh, you crazy Japanese. What will you think of next.

They're dyed. (And only that last one is a muttpuppy, because I'm a cheater. The other two are Chows.)

I ... I think I'm against this. I mean, you know people are going to be lining up to adopt Chows, solely for the aesthetic appeal of Panda Dog. But I'm kind of speechless at the moment. I don't know which is causing my brain to melt: The absurdity of the idea, or the indescribable amounts of cute.

However I draw the line at Chicken Poodle.

Happy 2009!

What a year! Let's look back at 2008:

• Thousands of breeding cats and dogs were rescued from neglect and misery in puppy mill raids this year.
• PA, the "puppy mill capitol", passed a bill that requires larger cages, exercise, and annual vet check-ups in order to crack down on puppy mills, also making it so that only professionals may put down animals at a commercial kennel.
• Louisiana limited breeders to 75 adult dogs (sigh) and Virginia similarly restricted keeping more than 50 dogs older than a year. It's a start!
• Lawmakers push to strengthen laws against animal fighting, making dogfighting - and even spectating a fight - a felony.
• Britney went crazy and it was so exciting it kind of eclipsed other things for awhile, for some reason.
• Prop 2 passed in California, improving the welfare of farm animals all over the state by making it a requirement that they be able to stand up and move around freely in their cages.
• O Canada! The Frozen North cracked down on animal abusers by toughening its laws, closing up the loopholes, banning animal fighting, and putting penalties in place such as fines up to $60,000, a lifetime ban from animal ownership, and increased jail time.
• Pedigree Dogs Exposed aired in the UK, sparking massive international outcry - and possibly changing the dog world forever.

Oh ... and of course, the hippest new dog blog hit the scene at some point. But you know that.

Happy New Year. Let's keep this animal welfare ball rolling!

Post-Holiday Cheer

Happy holidays, all! Phew, who'd have thought the Christmas season could get so hectic? :)

Apologies for my absence... I'm spending the holidays with family, and have lately been busy scrambling to do last-minute shopping and kissing the chubby little cheeks off my newborn nephew. Now everything is thankfully settling down and I'm looking forward to a week of mind-numbing boredom. Oh, and blogging. I hope.

I'm afraid I haven't got much to report right now, except that I saw Marley & Me today. I hate movie theatres as a rule. They smell like popcorn and the collective breath of 200 snuffling people. But I broke my rule of thumb because Owen Wilson is adorable and, after all, I love the book. (Yes, I've heard all the negative rap - I love it anyway.) I bet half the people here have read it, too. If not, you're missing out. It's a lot of fun, especially if you're a (slightly sadistic) dog-savvy owner, because it seems like the poor Grogan family did everything wrong.

Buy from a slightly-shady breeder? Check! (I think John Grogan, who probably isn't very familiar with the terms, was a little too loose with the 'B' word, since it calls to mind such negative connotations and, as I say, the woman was only slightly shady. The place in the movie, however, sure looked like a BYB. Made me heave a big shudder.)
Forget to research research research? Check!
Buy the discount puppy, check!
Go into it knowing nothing about training techniques... Check. Oh dear.

The heartwarming thing is that Marley could have ended up a disaster, but he didn't. He landed in the right hands, if not the most capable hands, and they stuck by him and (eventually) managed to tame the beast (somewhat). Anyway, it's not a story about a dog - it's a story about a family that owned a dog, who was kind of crazy, and I think every dog lover should read it and make it their anti-Bible, or see the movie... Though I warn that the ending was a sob-fest in my theatre. Even the huge guy next to me pulled his cap down low and started sniffling. (He also read my book during the trailers. I know this because I left it face down on my jacket when I went to the washroom, and it was face up when I got back. I hate movie theatres so much.)

And for something more in the Muttpuppies vein, here's an article WB dug up for us. You may have to trawl, but you'll find it. Oh, you silly governor. Buy a Christmas puppy? Check! Buy a muttpuppy, secure in your belief that it will not aggravate your allergies? Check! There are so many other reasons to dislike the guy; this one is just a perk that made me snicker.

So a belated Merry Christmas, happy Boxing Day, let's all get crackin' on those post-Christmas sales and New Year's Resolutions, and I hope everybody is enjoying the holiday season.

(And for all you Jen fans keeping score, I hear Marley & Me beat out Brad's movie opening day by about $3 million.)

TGIF

Yesterday I read about a dog whose owner was in a car accident. He dragged the man out through the windshield and kept him awake by licking his face until paramedics arrived.

Today my dog peed in my bed.

I forget why I wanted a dog.

---

We can thank Sil for this one. It's been too long since I visited Married to the Sea!

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You'll appreciate this one if you've ever owned a feline. In the spirit of the season: How To Wrap Presents If You've Got a Cat.

TGIF, I'm off to strip my bedsheets.

Now it all makes sense

This Saturday I'm at my mother's house for an ol'-fashioned family Thanksgiving dinner, since my sister is visiting from NYC, and I think if I hear one more tune from Kenny & Dolly's "Once Upon a Christmas" I may start throwing the stuffing.

So it's just a quick entry today, but it sure made me smile:

Cheers, thus-sung!

A break in the monotony...

I couldn't not share this: Announcing the Miracle of Birth Videotape! Be warned if you're of a sensitive nature - don't worry, it's not an actual tape; just a good breeder with a less-than-sunshiney (but hilarious) sense of humour. :) I recommend you print it out and staple-gun it to your idiot neighbourhood wannabreeder's front door. I know we've all got one.

Happy Halloween, MoT-style

Well, it's that time of year again. Those up north know what I'm talking about. That time of year when the trees go from 'fiery glory' to 'deader and more depressing than those frozen halibuts with the staring eyes in the grocery store'. Every light, ominous snowfall is met with a dead-eyed, thousand-yard stare until the sky goes back to raining like it's supposed to. The first hint of a sneeze from the cage in the corner of my bedroom means I'll be turning on my space heater and boiling to death in my own juices every night until spring so my beloved guinea pig doesn't catch a cold and die, and before then I'll be shivering all night long.

But if there's one holiday to brighten this dark and dismal stretch until Christmas, it's Halloween! (Unless you prefer football and stuffing and crazy relatives in cramped quarters - in which case, hang tight till Thanksgiving.) Here at MoT I've decided to get into the spirit of the thing, and I've personally scoured the 'net for the most beastly, monstrous little muttpuppies I can find. Here they are, for your viewing pleasure, hopefully making your Halloween that little bit more special. If not, 54 days until Christmas...

#10. Sheesh, would ya look at the dog on those ears? This little shih-poo is masquering as a piece of roadkill - or as something that's been chewed up and digested by a larger dog already - I'm not quite sure. I can't help it, though; my eyes are always drawn straight back to those ears. What happened there?? They look like wrinkled potato chips. With fuzz. ...Ugh, way to ruin potato chips for me, dog.

#9. Okay. So this little Staffy/Shar pei cross isn't so bad. Well, I guess we won't know till he's grown up, but he's cute now. Still, he gets a mention because the honest-to-God first thought in my head when I saw him was "THRIL-LER!" That's the spirit, little dog!

#8. This Shi-poo or Shorkie or I don't even know anymore just plain freaks me out. His eyes follow me all around the room. And that underbite will give me nightmares for years to come.

#7. MORKZILLA ANGRY! MORKZILLA SMASH! (Yes I did just cross two horror genres.) It looks almost like somebody's photoshopped in two angry eyebrows. I love it.

#6. Little Willie is also a Morkie and he's here to remind us that not all Halloween costumes need be scary. Some just give us a laugh! Poor muttpuppy, he looks more like a mix between a Schnauzer and a Furby to me. Or maybe a satellite dish. I bet he gets great reception.

#5. Frankenmorkie? All she needs is bolts in her neck to complete the look. Aw, man, I'm almost starting to feel bad. Being a Morkie is unfortunate, it seems.

#4. Oh God, this one gives me the willies. He looks like he IS wearing a mask. That's a puppy! Am I the only one seriously freaked out by this dog? Anyone?

#3. Chinese crested/Japanese chin mixes produce some of the fugliest little bastards known to dogkind. But I picked this jaunty little fellow because, as weird-looking as he is, I think he's kinda cute and I like him. Also he looks more like a mix between a koi and a crested duck.

#2. Ah, that old crowd-pleaser, the Chihuahua/chin. Warning: has been known to knock over small children just by turning her brick head. I wonder which celebrity adopted this dog?

#1. Just to prove I'm not completely designer dogs-ist (you know I am), I went out and found a purebred. ...I found a hell of a purebred. Give yourselves a moment to make sure you're on an empty stomach and that nobody unsuspecting is behind you to get sideswiped by the image you're about to see. In all seriousness, it looks like the goddamn Cryptkeeper and its image will burn itself into your retinas and blaze in all its hideous glory in your mind's eye when you're trying to sleep. Not for the faint of heart. You may want to restore down your window so you don't get the full blast all at once. Ready for this? Meet Sam, the Chinese crested.

I hear he was actually quite a cuddly dog. (And yep, he's for real.)

Phew! Go back and look at that duck for awhile if you need to bleach your corneas. Have we all recovered? Great. By the way, this little mixed-breed pooch gets an honourable mention for making me smile.

Have a great Halloween, guys! Enjoy all the leftover candy, because I know I will!

EDIT: Shoot, Blogger sucks at uploading pictures.

Those awful vicious breeds!

I love this!!

They forgot a breed, though: Small humans. Raising a little human responsibly requires more homework than any dog breed you can come up with ... funny how so few people seem to do their research! For instance, people under the age of 10 make up the majority of dog bite victims... That's a good nugget of information to have! Maybe you should keep your little one on a leash - or at least teach it to ask before petting, hmm?

On the other hand, if I hear of one more person throwing a hissy fit at an owner because their kid just got a free face-wash from a happy Doberman, I suggest you demand how that parent dare endanger their own child's life by allowing it in a car! Because really ... your odds of being bit by a dog are approximately 1 in 50. Your kid is more likely to be involved in a serious car accident (hello, leading cause of death in children). Exercise caution around any dog, but I promise you ... sometimes, that tail-waggin' Dobey or Rottweiler really does just want to make friends!