Morkie World

Phew. Sorry for the slow weekend. I seem to have come down with something that, on top of other things, made it very difficult for me to keep to one train of thought for more than two minutes at a time. I'm a little less tripped out today, but I'll keep this short. -Ish.

Remember that Morkenstein from my last entry? She came from this place.

The woman in charge used to breed purebred poodles. She started dabbling in Yorkipoos and Maltipoos when she realized she could get as much for those as for purebred dogs, and now she's selling all kinds of muttpuppies to North America. What do we call this lady? A hoarder? Whatever she is, she is breeding way too many dogs. Let's take a look at the website and pick it apart.

1. Flashy graphics. What are you, a thirteen-year-old girl on MySpace? This drives me crazy.

2. Randomly capitalized Words. You're Not speaking German; knock it Off.

3. "We are full supporters of Hybrid Vigor and it is the number one reason why we breed Morkies." That's great. That's so fantastic I could just shit.

4. They've made up terms like teddy bear Morkie and "Fuzzy Wuzzy Teddy Bear Shichon". 'Nuff said.

5. Their genetic testing page is there solely to assure you that they do NOT screen their dogs for health problems, because it's perfectly impossible for a puppy to inherit a genetic disorder when only one parent is a carrier. Yep. That's how genetics work. "The RENAL DYSPLASIA Test isn't available any more, because there just wasn't enough information concerning the gene to prove it as hereditary disease." Whoops! I think someone needs to do a little more research. Now, I understand hip and elbow dysplasia are more common in large breeds, but what about the problems common to small breeds, like patella luxation? And don't give me any hybrid vigour crap, because we see that in poodles, Yorkies, AND Shih-tzus.

6. They SHIP your puppy. Never ever ever buy from somebody who has to SHIP your puppy to you! Read over that fishy contract, too; they won't take your dog back unless it's "sufficiently medically unsound", and that's if you have it checked by a vet within three days of purchase, AND it's on you to send the dog back and have a new one shipped over. This says that, as soon as the puppy leaves their hands, they don't care what happens to it. Not the right match for you? That dog can end up in a kill shelter for all they care.

7. Teacup toys. AGH.

Ms Mileen Coulter might not be the worst breeder in the world, but she sure is clueless.

She'll have Morkie puppies ready for Christmas. Any takers?

I've got a bone to pick with you, Florida...

Seriously.

Remember that site where the "celebrities" buy their puppies?

Put your heads between your knees, because it gets worse. (Almost.)

Why? Whyyy?? How could you do this to me Florida?? I thought we were buddies! I visited you way back when I was in diapers and I fed your ducks. Okay, so I didn't call when I said I would, but you know how busy life gets...

Well-- let's break these two sites down, shall we?

1) They're both based in FL.
2) They both profess to be "boutiques" with "showrooms", bringing to mind small glittery stores where wedding dresses are sold and tea is served.
3) They both offer teacup dogs (whyyy??).
4) They both take pictures of their puppies with pretty bows and tiaras and pink things draped all over them.

Puppy Lanes goes one BETTER by adding glittering graphics that read messages like "I ♥ U". Oh, gag me with your smallest Chihuahua. But the best part is, look how scared and angry these babies look. Part of me wants to laugh. The other part wants to grab an armful of Yorkies and RUN.

I won't even go into the stupidity of breeding "teacup" dogs. If you read this blog, you probably already know.

Sigh.

Florida's good guys, please reassure me that still you're out there and not drowning in tiny sparkly dogs.

Sometimes neutering the dogs alone just wouldn't be enough...

Reader water_bearer pointed out this site to me, and I think I may have flatlined for a minute or two upon viewing their Available Puppies page.

Naturally, upon coming to in a pool of my own drool, I picked myself up and poked around to learn more.

This little shop of horrors is home to more muttpuppies than you could shake a stick at. In a muttpuppy cage match, I don't know who would win - Chinzilla, or Cujo (pictured), the "mastiff" they created using a pug, a Shar Pei, a cocker spaniel, and an English shepherd. A gun dog, a sheepdog, a lap dog, and one mastiff (barely).

Let's start from the top (ie where my trauma-seeking dousing rods led me first). These guys have got big plans for the dog world, namely by screwing around with as many breeds as they can get their hands on all in the name of progress. Cujo was bred to father ... brace yourselves ... miniature Saint Bernards. But our friends here at Dakota Winds aren't patient enough to breed smaller and smaller, so instead they're churning out litter after litter of experiments to try and achieve the right look, using (hold on to something, it gets worse) English shepherds, cocker spaniels, Cujo the "mastiff", and a Pekingese. They're also considering the use of hounds - whoops, that's "hounds", as these little monsters are Basset hound/pug/Shar Pei mixes, or as they call them, "mini Bloodhounds". Uh-huh. Whether these genes get tossed into the cocktail that is their mini Saints is still up in the air, as "Right now, we do not think it is nessessary?" I don't think so either?

The theory is that those four breeds combined with a real Saint Bernard will produce something that vaguely resembles a Saint in mini form. I bet they think Shelties were the product of rough collies, cocker spaniels and a Chihuahua! I can't wait till their litters turn out to have Peke markings and faces and cocker ears and eyes - because since when is breeding mutts ever predictable? Now, I concede that Saint Bernards are members of the mastiff family (Molossers is the technical term), and if you HAD to create one using a real Molosser would make sense - but I do mean a REAL Molosser, like a Spanish mastiff for build, or a Leonberger for the sable colour. But, of course, none of these are small enough to experiment with!

Sigh. Okay. Now that I've given myself a headache trying to wrap my head around the idea of mini Saint Bernards, we have to question why any rational person would attempt this in the first place. Simple: "Many people love the look and temperment of the Saint Bernard, but they simply do not have the room for such a large dog." Well, say goodbye to that Saint Bernard temperament, because by the time they're through it'll be so diluted you won't even recognize the breed. All those old Saint Bernard instincts will be long gone. And I HOPE nobody wants a Saint for a reason as superficial as looks!

"Of coarse, along the way, there are puppies that are nessessary to breed, that may not be exactly perfect? But really, there is no such thing as a "perfect" dog. They are nessessary to breed, in order to get the future breeding stock that we need, to reach our goal." So they might end up with a puppy with genetic problems, but no worries - that can be bred out. Of coarse!

"Are we breeding mutts? No, we are not. We are creating a new breed, that is a Miniature version of another, existing breed." If a Heinz 57 with some shepherd and spaniel genes in him is a mini Saint Bernard, I could go to the local shelter now and get one myself for $800 cheaper than you're asking! Don't we have enough designer dogs running around without people like this throwing their messes into the mix? You're NOT CREATING A NEW BREED. You're just making an ass out of yourself and a complete Frankenstein's creation out of your puppies, instead of developing purebred Saints. Since you must have been drunk to come up with a scheme like this, let me put it in terms even you can understand: you can't get a buzz from an ounce of booze in a gallon of water!

"A mutt is defined by a dog with unknown parents." A mutt is that beast you call a mastiff!

Mini Saint Bernards are just the tip of the iceburg. They're also working on "Comfort Retrievers" (Golden retriever/cocker spaniel mixes - because neither of these was comforting enough to begin with, apparently), Labbes (Labrador/beagle), Colonial cocker spaniels (English/American cockers), also in mini; Aussiedoodles and mini English shepapoodles (take a guess), and Dakota sheepdogs (English shepherds, Australian shepherds, cocker spaniels and poodles). I can't figure out the point of ANY of these, since there are many purebreds that already obviously suit the same purposes just fine. Why the Colonial cockers? The two breeds are very separate and doing great on their own in their respective fields. But I have to say, it's the Dakota sheepdogs that horrify me nearly as much as the mini Saint Bernard atrocities. When it comes to dogs I am especially partial to herding dogs, and I must say, while I sit pretty firmly in the Border collie camp, it hurts my head to think that they've got some perfectly good English shepherds around and, if they simply MUST breed their dogs, aren't breeding more purebreds. I don't feel English shepherds get the attention they deserve as a breed. These are smart dogs with a good sense of humour and a looser eye than Border collies, gentler and less intense than some sheepdogs, and they're being used to create monstrosities these people thought might be fun to experiment with. The people at Dakota Winds ought to be ashamed of themselves.

I feel I should also point out that small dogs do not necessarily apartment dogs make. You can breed a sheepdog as small as you like, but it's still going to be busy little dog. If you live in an apartment and are looking into getting a dog, I hope you're looking at more than just size! Heck, many people consider Great Danes to be good apartment dogs! Those giants can fold themselves up in a corner like a Chinese contortionist when they want to. And of course there are factors to consider like your schedule and how much time you can devote to exercising your pup. So the "apartment dogs" excuse for breeding small just doesn't work for me!

In the end I don't think the dogs are the only ones at Dakota Winds that should have been neutured long ago, but I can't bear to check out their son's website right now. I think I need a stiff drink.

Puppy Mill Rant #1

Okay, so this one won't so much be about designer dogs (mutts bred 'by design'). But then again, there isn't much on this planet that causes me to feel the rare urge to headdesk myself into concussion and then burn my own eyes out with a lighter. Among all that does, this place most certainly takes the cake.

http://www.puppiesforsalebynet.com/ (Warning: Sound. Sometimes.)

As the cheery female voice will tell you, these devoted breeders "collect" puppies and proudly present them to you in "boutique" form, where, I can only assume, you stroll around with a shopping cart and pile it up with squeaking teacup toys at your leisure and pay for your purchases with a platinum AmEx card at the check-out where a smiling boutique employee waves you and your new babies out. Seriously, it's that glam. Don't believe me? This is Where Celebrities Buy Their Puppies!

Okay, um, actually, this is where some maniacs with feather boas and glitter hoard babies from a bunch of other breeders and 'facilities' before dressing them up and snapping shots for the public. My question is, exactly which celebs are buying from here? A-list celebrities, or Dancing With the Stars celebrities? They've got a list and the verdict is in: It's models and athletes, people! I'll make a concession for the Osbournes, but seriously ... the Osbournes. They've got so many toys I can't imagine anything but a puppy boutique-style adoption. Also among the football players and Oil of Olé models are Jerry Springer...'s assistant director. I'd laugh, but I'm too busy giggling at the pictures of buff linebackers headed with 'CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR BABY MALTESE'. (Hilariously, I also noticed on the front page that it delicately corrects, 'Where the "Celebrities" buy their puppies.')

So it looks like Jennifer Aniston shops elsewhere for her lovable corgi/terrier mutts. (How can I tell? His name is Norman amd not Tinky, he weighs more than 16oz, and she seems pretty clear on the fact that he's a dog. Jennifer Aniston, I solemnly applaud you.)

Now we get to the dogs. They offer a wide varray of dogs that are already too fucking small to begin with - and make them smaller! Can't find the pup you're looking for? No problem! They have new puppies that will be ready for you next week. Be patient and just imagine, somewhere in Florida a poor bitch in too-cramped living conditions is pushing out yet another litter of badly-bred babies for you to choose from!

On a sidenote, I think what makes this site of hoarders so sinister is how pink and fluffy everything is. The dogs' soulless eyes peer out at you from under swathes of pink feather boas and glittery tiaras that weigh down their whole tiny tiny heads. [shudder]

Now to pick apart what is so very, very wrong with their 'collection'.

EXHIBIT A: HUGE ALIENESQUE HEADS.

This is a dog with hydrocephalus (water in the head):

This is one of their 'Special Extraordinary Puppies' (you heard me):
You want to know the scariest thing about this dog?

That is not a Chihuahua.

It's a Papillon.

So it looks like poor Hydrocephalus Dog can look forward to a future of seizures and a giant head, and with their lifetime guarantee only offered to dogs $2000 and over and her priced at a crafty $1500, looks like she's up the excessive head-fluid creek without a paddle.

EXHIBIT B: DESIGNER DOG WOES

This is a mix between a Chihuahua and a Japanese chin. The owners of the site call her "a rare mix". Do you wanna know why it's so rare?HINT: Because it's fugly.

This isn't the only bizarre cross-breed on the site, but it sure is the most hilariously sad. Note how the puppy finds a fine blend between Chihuahua blockiness and Japanese upturned muzzle, not to the mention the dome skull. If not for the tiara we might be able to lump her in with Hydrocephalus Dog up there. I don't know what this beast was going for but you can bet it was more than she's worth. (Maybe someday she will get a post all her own.)

EXHIBIT B: EXOTIC COLOURS, YOU SAY?

This is a merle Great Dane:

Okay, now, she's not so bad. This dog isn't quite as much a heinous crime against nature as Chin-Chi is up there. But does anything about her just strike you as ... well, wrong?

You're right! She looks diseased. And why does she look diseased? Because she's a blue merle. Like I said, not so much a crime against nature ... except that you're really not supposed to breed merle Danes. They're not exactly 'setting the standard of excellence' here when this dog would be disqualified from any show right off the bat. She'd make a nice housepet, sure, but Danes aren't meant to be merle. That's all. Anyway, the reason I put up The Dane With the Dreaded Lurgy is to warn all you folks at home: DON'T be fooled by 'exotic' colours. Bad breeders (like these guys) will try to pass off wrecks (like Lurgy) as special. Always always remember that if something in a dog is 'rare', it's rare for a reason (see Chinzilla). These things are worth less than a more average dog of the same breed, not more. Moving on.

Now these merle puppies...

...are a crime against nature. 'Beautifully marked', $1550, my ass!

This is so wonderfully stupid! These people are so wrapped up in churning out the prettiest puppies possible that they've completely lost sight of what the breed is supposed to be. And why are dachshunds and Chihuahuas not supposed to be merle? Because the merle gene carries deafness and blindness! Considering neither of these puppies is priced high enough for a lifetime health guarantee, I'm starting to think these hoarders aren't all that stupid after all. How irresponsible and just cruel, handing out these dogs without a word to discourage the source or the prospective buyers.

Here are some tidbits that also make me want to neuter and cage these stupids.

- Miniature Pinscher "CANDY female $950.00 Great little male! Good bite. Very well socialized."

Moving past the mystery of which gender it actually is, why on earth would you ever ADVERTISE a good bite? You whackjob, nobody uses a miniature pinscher as a protective guard dog and if they do they deserve to be shot. They hunted rats, and if they're retaining any of those traits it should be discouraged. Not considered 'good'! [Whoops! Mel is right; they're advertising that the dog has no under- or over-bite. I'm no miniature pinscher expert, but as far as I know this isn't one of the breed's most common concerns - it was the breed's tendency to nip that made my thoughts go straight to biting!]

- "Throughout the years we have gathered and been working with several breeders and facilities that specialize the teacups and toy breeds. Every year breeders from all over the states that see our web site contact us to see if we can help them place their beautiful babies in good homes."

Do they not understand why this is so WRONG? You have NO chance of meeting the dogs' parents and we all know that if Mom ain't on site - walk away! There goes your one chance of predetermining hereditary problems; now all you've got to go on are merle genes and dome skulls (which, I should add, are all over this site).

- One thing I generally believe about breeding is this: "If you're making a profit, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG." It seemed at first that these guys were getting a raw deal, with breeders continually pushing puppies on them - after all, where else are the poor babies gonna go? and so on. Sadly, this taking advantage of people's compassion happens. But the fact that their dogs are rarely less than $1000? This is silly. You're paying way too much money for what is more than likely a genetic mess. (Yours for just five-thousand bucks!)

- And, to cap things off nicely:

"Braaaaains!!"

I couldn't resist; this one made me smile at how tragically unphotogenic it is.

I'll end this with another warning:

Yes, the puppies are cute (without sparkly shit heaped all over them, shockingly) and sad and they need homes too. But when it comes to people like this, breeding is nothing but a market. They are the SUPPLY, and you are the DEMAND. Buying a puppy from places like this is only placing more demand on them and in turn causing them to get more supply. Let our battlecry ring forth o'er the land: Boycott the puppy mills! There are much more reliable pets you can find for much more reasonable prices. Pets without distended heads and squinting outward eyes! Just some things to keep in mind.